Booth: David, what do you want to do? Wladimir is all over the media calling you out?
Haye: Just tell ’em I hurt my hand again and can’t fight.
Booth: We used that excuse already David.
Haye: Tell them we don’t like the terms of the contract and it’s a slave contract.
Booth: David, we used that one already too.
Haye: How bout we tell them the WBA is forcing me to fight Valuev or Meehan next?
Booth: But everyone knows you’re free right now and you can make a voluntary defense or unify.
Haye: Okay, let me think, let me think…maybe I should just cash out and fight Klitschko. What do you think?
Booth: No. Absolutely not. It’s not a smart business decision. Remember our secret plan? It’s to wait and wait until Wladimir is at least 38, by then he’ll start to slow and he’ll have gotten bored with boxing. I know and you know he is unbeatable right now. We just have to wait.
Haye: He won’t be 38 for four more years. I thought I was retiring in two years Adam?
Booth: You’re not retiring any time soon David. That’s just a scheme to trick the boxing fans and media. To force them to appreciate you now. In 2012 we’ll just be starting to make big money. Then all the suckers will beg us to stay in boxing and then they’ll be throwing loads of money at us.
Haye: Then do I fight Wladimir in 2012?
Booth: Hell no. Wladimir will wreck all our big plans. We’re gonna do it like Floyd and Roy did it, duck any one who is a threat for as long as we possibly can. Fake retire if we have to. Write letters to the WBA like Roy did to the IBF to make the mandatory fight a second eliminator. Vacate the belt if they force us to fight Solis or Helenius. As long as the WBA keeps feeding us more John Ruiz’s and Kali Meehan’s and Valuev’s for the next four years we’ll be fine. We’ll have built up a resume and fan base and then we’ll be ready to knock off Wladimir when he’s too old.
Haye: Why don’t we just fight Shannon Briggs, or Audley Harrison?
Booth: Dammit Davey! You’re still not thinking! REMEMBER? YOU CANNOT FIGHT ANYONE WITH A PUNCHERS CHANCE!
Haye: So what should we say in the meantime? How do I get out of this mess about fighting Wladimir next?
Booth: Let’s tell em you’re tired and need a rest.
Haye: Do you think they’ll buy that bullshit? I’ve had two easy fights in two years.
Booth: It’s about all we got right now David. There’s no other way to duck Wladimir. We’re out of acceptable excuses. Just tell em you’re tired and need a vacation to recharge your batteries. It’ll work. There’s a lotta suckers out there.
Haye: How about if we tell them I’ll fight Wladimir later in the year.
Booth: NO! You don’t want to make any commitments to fighting Klitschko, ever. You have to be vague and cryptic, or everyone will see through our deception. We have our four year plan. You don’t want to get caught in any lies or commitments. K2 could pay off Povetkin to step aside or they could pay off Meehan or Valuev, then we’ll be cornered again like we are right now. Then we’ll have to come up with another injury again. Or fake retire or say we’re tired again. This is the worst moment right now, being cornered, and we don’t want to get caught in this position again.
Haye: But this is not good for boxing, this fight is huge. Everyone wants to see it. Boxing could explode again in mainstream popularity worldwide. We could make millions with the rematch and I will still have my honor.
Booth: F*** boxing, f*** honor. F*** being a warrior. This is about business, and you’ll take the fight when you have a slim chance to win it. Right now, you and I know you have ZERO chance to last 12 rounds with Wladimir. He will abuse you and mutilate you. He will beat you so severely, you’re career will be destroyed, like Austin, Brock, Byrd, Peter. We have to wait. Keep them waiting. We don’t want you to end up like Marvis Frazier, Michael Grant, Gerry Cooney, Frank Bruno. We don’t need the Klitschkos, we can make money without them. The boxing fan base in England will support us no matter what.
Haye: All right sounds good mate. We’ll tell all those idiots I’m tired and need a good rest before even thinking about my next move. Then Wladimir will go make a fight against Povetkin or Peter and we’ll be safe.
(Note: This fictional spoof conversation between David Haye and Adam Booth never actually took place, at least we don’t think it did. Boxing Columnist Philip H. Anselmo also contributed input to this feature.)