By Ivan G. Goldman
Dear Adrien Broner,
Now that Marcos Maidana has given you a swift kick down the ladder of success you should recognize it as a signal that you need to change your nasty, sometimes creepy behavior in and out of the ring. So if you want to climb back up that ladder, here’s a list of revisions you need to make between now and the conclusion of your next fight. I list them in no particular order, but they’re all key concepts you can ignore only at your own peril.
Photo: Tom Hogan/ Hogan Photos
1. If you must dry hump the butts of other males, understand that it’s legal, but only with other consenting adults. And do it privately, certainly not on global TV. This strongly recommended modification of your behavior shouldn’t require much explanation.
2. Don’t give away the early rounds so you can feel the other guy out. Against guys like Maidana, that can be like strolling around Afghanistan just to get the feel of the place.
3. Cut down on the number of forearms aimed at your opponent’s throat. You employed this illegal tactic approximately 12 times per round against Maidana. Try to get the number down to a more acceptable figure, like zero, for instance. Not every referee is Laurence Cole. And even he finally warned you about it in round twelve.
4. The next time you want to get out of a fight by pretending to be horribly fouled, don’t roll around like you were just plugged with a .44 magnum. It only convinces everyone that you are indeed overacting. Which brings us to Number 5.
5. Consider enrolling in a drama class.
6. Don’t develop a paunch between fights. It’s only a symptom, but a telling one.
7. Refrain from recording your sex acts and distributing the digital recording to the world. Yes, I know it worked for at least one Kardashian and for Paris Hilton, but those are people famous only for being famous. You want to be famous as a prizefighter, remember? That’s a whole different deal.
8. The next time you believe it’s necessary to lick the genitalia of a stripper on stage at a crowded club, consider that your partner must not be terribly picky. Consequently, those genitals may have been someplace that’s not entirely disease free. Also, this kind of stuff can disqualify you from being invited to anything classier than a circle jerk.
9. Just because Floyd Mayweather employs a shoulder roll to protect himself, that doesn’t mean you can do the same. Used inexpertly, it’s a dangerous tactic. Until you perfect it, you might want to think about keeping your gloves up.
10. Build on your strengths, which are speed, athletic ability, ambition and toughness. Work on the traits you need to improve and develop, such as character, empathy, and diligence.
11. Spend less time combing your hair and more time in the gym.
12. When you have nothing to say that’s interesting, nice, funny, poignant, informative or necessary, say nothing.
Ivan G. Goldman’s boxing novel The Barfighter was nominated as a 2009 Notable Book by the American Library Association. Information HERE
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